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Sub or Porn Star?

Posted on Feb 23, 2013 by in Dirty Little Whispers, Sex and Relationship | 11 comments

WIth Fifty Shades of Grey still lingering, I hear more and more of women who have suddenly decided to become a ‘Sub’ and find their own Christian Grey. As you could tell from my FiftyShades can fuck off post, I’m not a fan.

These misleading books try and pornify BDSM into a manner which is dangerous when approached by newbies. Ropes, whips, flogger and paddles are lethal in the wrong hands. Tie a knot too tight and you could lose circulation, not to mention rope burn on your vagina, whip someone too hard and you can leave scars, as for paddles, well, broken bones aren’t sexy.

But hey, it’s fun right! So how do you go about getting yourself a Dom? T’internet. Sign up somewhere as a sub, or hunt down a wannabe Dom and boom, you’re away.

A word from an actual Dom:

The scary part of this is the safety. More and more people are likely to get hurt as they want to try to emulate these ‘erotic scenes’ that ‘caught their imagination’ while reading in bed one night, to help them ‘achieve a higher sexual fulfilment’ that they thought was missing from their lives.
Over the past few weeks, I have had several subs talking to me about ‘being a sub’ – none of them have ever tried it, yet like the idea of being told what to do and to be used sexually . All of them however, admit to have had guys talking to them about wanting to ‘become their Master’ – this is to me, very, very scary.

Urbanvox Photography

Urbanvox Photography

If one of these ladies decided to take a guy up on this offer to allow him to use her as his sex toy, injury, humiliation, excess pain and not much in the line of fun could really ensue – as most of these that approach in this way to me, are Porn Masters. A Porn Master is someone who has watched an awful lot of porn in this field and gets off on it, thus likes the idea of ‘having a sub to fuck when I like’, but the reason as to why this is the scary part, is pretty soon as a female you might find yourself hanging upside down spread eagled with a 10 inch dildo pounding at your pussy and/or arse like a pneumatic drill – suddenly the image that you had reading a book goes all askew!

Contrary to belief, a Dom is not there to provide constant pain. They’re meant to have a loving, considerate role. If a Sub wants to commit to you, it is a privilege which needs to be respected.

When finding a Dom, you first should have a chat. Talk about things you have done in the past, and what it is you want out of the relationship. The sub gets to chose her master, the master does not chose the Sub. If the Sub is happy and a safe word and safety aspects have been discussed, she will then submit herself. The sub will get down on her knees and ask him to be her Dom. When this is accepted, they consummate their relationship. After this the training begins.

So now he’s your Master. A real Master only has one sub. If your Master has more than one Sub, somethings not right. A ‘vanilla’ is a new Sub. These can be moulded to how you like as they have had no previous training.

A Master without a sub can train other subs, as long as they don’t have a Master either. But if either find a Master/Sub then the training cannot continue.

So going back a little bit, I mentioned a safe word. This is a prearranged word which when said stops all activity. You will also want to have a hand signal incase you are gagged or your mouth is otherwise engaged. When the word/signal is given, everything stops. There’s no “oh just one more sec, I’m nearly done!” It stops right there. You then need to unbound your sub and ask where the pain is so you can resolve it. If you’re playing with ropes or ties, make sure you have scissors near for an emergency. After the safe word is said that is session over.

A Sub who has a true Master has his full attention. The Sub will not just be used as a sex doll, both hers and his sexual needs will be fulfilled. A Sub can still be hugged, held and cared for.

A Sub is a Sub for life, until a Master releases her. A sub can ask to be released if they have decided they don’t like it, things aren’t working etc. and a Master will allow this.

A Porno Master just wants to fuck you when he wants, and wherever he wants. He isn’t an expert at rope play, doesn’t care about your safety and will play by his own rules with no regard of your wants of needs.

BDSM can be real fun, but can also be a pain, literally, but it will most certainly change your life.

Have fun, but be careful – it’s not all fifty shades, more like fifty thousand shades.

Special thanks to a lovely Dom for helping me write this.

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11 Comments

  1. Whilst i agree with your sentiments most BDSM is not of the High Protocol variety here, the idea of kneeling to Sir other than at his order, especially to ask him to take me on is giggle inducing. Why on earth a Master or Mistress cannot have more than 1 sub I don’t know…i know many wonderful ppl with more than one and if only Sir had more time i would love a sub sister.
    jemima101 recently posted..Something I’m glad I don’t have to write, and the atheist’s wager.My Profile

    • Fair point. I’m really not sure as to all the rules and boundaries. I guess this is just one perspective. If they were to have more than one sub would that mean you could have more than one master in return?

  2. Great article. I have to say jemima101, you may find the kneeling to master giggle inducing, but different Masters do different things – I like this idea as it cements a little formality and ceremony to the occasion – it’s much better than sitting on a sofa next to each other and the Master asking:

    “Will you be my sub?”

    for the sub to answer

    “Yeah, go on then, we might as well”

    which is rather reminiscent of when I was about 14 with a girl friend – “will you be my girlfriend then?”

    it’s nice to make it a special occasion – it’s actually a tender moment I think!

    I follow the principles of one Master one Sub because I don’t need another. My ex (and last sub), was Bi, so every Friday night, we’d have another girl with us, only she wouldn’t be My Sub, but the’s be me partners sub – can get complicated, but still fun, but I’m not a porno master, I’m a Master – I wouldn’t force my sub to do anything she was uncomfortable with, and not all the sex is BDSM as other contributing factors are involved – you can’t make a sub come home from work cos you need a fuck – she/you as a couple have bills to pay- it’s keeping it real. The reason why I do things this way because if my Sub has a child, NO CHILD should ever see mummy in BDSM gear or with toys, so on occasion (child ill or having nightmares etc when they might cry in the night and need mummy), it’s best not to rope and shackle.

    Have fun, but seriously, keep it real.

  3. I’m with jemima101 mostly, I don’t see why it needs to be a monogamous relationship, it just needs to be an honest one. And not everyone is, as she says, high protocol.
    It’s worrying that people are seeking out Dominants when they haven’t done any real research and are therefore very vulnerable but then we have to learn somehow!
    Persephone recently posted..Sinful Sunday: Self LoveMy Profile

    • Oh don’t get me wrong, and this is where I contradict myself, I have in the past had subs, but it works better for me to have one. I’ll train as many as I like if asked, but one sub this day and age with diseases so rife, I’m happy to have one!

  4. Interesting post and although I do agree with many of the sentiments I have to say you make the first bit sound a bit like window shopping. Before anyone decides to enter into a D/s relationship with another person there should be many hours of talking, learning, negotiating and also play. I am not sure you have emphasised enough the importance of this process.

    I would also challenge the ‘a master only has one sub’ again I think this is horses for courses and should be something that any couple would discuss and decide upon for themselves. For some people this would work and for others it would be a complete no-no. It is about individual choice.

    Finding a D/s partner is not something that can be done over night, it takes time, thought and courage if you are to find someone who matches with you.

    Mollyxxx
    Molly recently posted..Speak Easy!My Profile

    • really interesting how this post just keeps going – does it show that more and more of us actually are into this or have we just come out of the closet because it’s easier to talk about??

    • I think the point I was trying to get was that for someone who’s read the books and decided to suddenly get a Dom with no research into what it actually entails, then it is rather like window shopping. Online shopping for a Dom really.

      For those with the knowledge of what they are looking for with more intent on an actual D/s relationship than just getting fucked, then yes, I agree there should be more communication. Post was getting a bit long so tried to shorten it.

      Interesting to have another view on the one sub/dom thing. May look into doing another post about this
      xxx

      • it’s certainly proving a popular one! BDSM: 1000 flavors, but which one is right for you??

        Great topic xx

      • I completely agree about the ‘window shopping’ and about 50 Shades of nonsense! I think the point to try to make is there is no; one size fits all. The key is to make it work for you in whatever that turns out to be

        Mollyxxx
        Molly recently posted..Speak Easy!My Profile

  5. a Subs poem:

    Strip me, whip me, tie me to a tree,
    Spank me, wank me for all the world to see!

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