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Cheating in Relationships

Posted on May 16, 2013 by in Dirty Little Whispers, Sex and Relationship | 16 comments

There’s a bit of an outcry on Tots 100 at the moment about a post written by a woman about how she is sleeping with a man cheating on his wife and family.
Affairs happen, we all know that. We all know someone who who has cheated or cheated on, whether it’s a one night thing or an ongoing affair. What makes it so bad? The secrecy. The lies. The going behind their partners back.

What if it was discussed in advance? What if you knew your partner was going to sleep with someone else? Would that make it acceptable?

There are all kinds of honest relationships out there and I think they’re all bloody amazing. This is your partner, someone you want to be with. You chose them. So what is the point in lying to them? Be honest. You want to go fuck the hot girl at work? Ask. Just because you’re sleeping with someone else doesn’t mean you have to ‘cheat’. It is often said that humans aren’t built to be monogamous which can be justified by evolution.
The worst thing they can say is no, which is fair enough if they don’t agree with it.
Oh, they said no, but you really want to fuck her? Then leave your partner, and go do it.

Want to keep your partner and have more than just sex? You can be polyamorous and have many different relationships, not to be confused with polygamous which is illegal in the UK and US.
The key here is that you need the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. You can’t be in a relationship with John and Lucy if Carol thinks you’re only seeing her. These can be triad (involving three people), quads (four people) and so on. Same sex, different sex, regular or hinged. There’s a wide variety to this, but I’ll go into that more another day.

I recently spoke to someone who travels around the world, their partner also travels. The issue they were facing is that they’re hardly ever in the same country as they’re always on the move. Amazing opportunities for each of them, but what about the sex? As they didn’t see each other often, yet both had high sex drives they decided to see how an open type relationship would work for them. The idea being that when they are apart they can sleep with who ever else they want to, and when they are together they are together. The fine print including if one person is getting a lot more sex than the other, it will be called off on grounds of unfairness.

Then there are situations like Lola, who is a nymphomaniac and her partner H.H just can’t keep up! The agreement? She can sleep with other men to satisfy her needs.

So I want to know, what’s the dynamics of your relationship? Ever cheated or was it agreed? Or are you completely monogamous?

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  1. Completely monogamous (as far as I know!) and I have to say there are very few ladies I know, RL or online, who would make me even consider cheating.

    Interesting post :)
    Justarandomscot recently posted..For you I wait..My Profile

  2. Oh . . . A post very close to home when reading this, and your Tots 100 link. My own open relationship first started from my having an affair with a work colleague. For months I had terrible pangs of guilt, not for my lovers wife, but for my own deceit with my husband.
    But selfishly I couldn’t stop. Yet after six months he told me he knew about it . . . and suddenly that situation opened up a new life-changing experience for us.
    That was over 20 years ago and our own relationship has just continued to grow even stronger and more loving. Suddenly then my feelings of guilt changed, suddenly I felt guilty about my lovers wife . . . but I still couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to change his life, or mine, I didn’t want to take him away from his wife or family. I just wanted to enjoy the sharing and excitement . . . and yes, friendship. I immediately told him that my Hubby knew “about us” and after his initial surprise and uncertainty, he accepted that situation and our times together became even more fulfilling.
    And, I still see him, after all this time, not as regularly as we used to, but we still meet. Over the next few years I indulged in “affairs” with two other married lovers. I still had those feelings of guilt at being the “other woman”, but because of my own wonderful relationship and the fact that I would straight away tell my lovers that my Husband knew, I was always able to put those feelings to the back of my mind and just enjoy “our moments together” for what they are. Indulgent, fun, exciting yes, but ALSO, caring and loving in their own way. I also still see one of those lovers quite regularly, and I know that our relationship has actually kept his marriage and family life together. Some of your readers may say “well she would say that”, but in this case I know it is actually true to say he has become a better person and his family life settled and more secure.
    So, and I know this response is far too rambling and far too long for a post-reply, but Yes, I can see both sides of all the arguments on the Tots 100 comments, because I have lived through them and with them. But I can honestly say I don’t feel those twinges of guilt any longer at being the “other woman” because I feel my “affairs” since that first one, have always been based on openness and honesty on my part. And that attraction and excitement for different “company” occasionally, is a natural emotion that perhaps too many people try to stifle rather than accept. Sharing, in every sense (and I DON’T just mean sexually), is giving . . . and more of us giving more would, I believe, make the world a better place.
    Modesty Ablaze recently posted..The Modesty Out-takes video . . .My Profile

    • Thanks for your story! Very interesting.

      I think it’s great that you have the openness with your husband.

      Curios as to whether he see’s other women too?


      • Hubby has had a brief fling . . . though the other woman wasn’t married.
        But we both know that because of our relationship, either of us could indulge if we are tempted, as long as we told each other beforehand.
        (And, of course, we do indulge together with our swinging friends quite regularly).
        But one other point I do want to mention, (in light of some of your other comments here, and of those on the Tots 100 comments as well) is that I never enter into any other liaison, or relationship, without making it perfectly clear that I do have a completely open and honest relationship with my husband. And you know, (this might be difficult for some people to understand), but sometimes knowing I can “indulge” if I wish, means that often the temptation, or desire, isn’t quite so strong as it once may have been.
        Modesty Ablaze recently posted..The Modesty Out-takes video . . .My Profile

  3. My relationship opened up much the same way that Modesty Ablaze’s did. Although I have always been allowed to sleep with other women as was my fiance she had never indicated that she may want to sleep with another guy.

    While working away at an event she cheated and though I was sure something had happened she spent the next 3/4 months lying about it, becoming more and more closed off as she tried to deal with the guilt. Which in turn led to the almost crumbling of the relationship due to her treatment of me and our kids.

    I understand the build up to it as at home things were not particularly great and we both were struggling to deal with a number of things that pulled us apart from one another. But had she just asked I would have let her do it.

    After everything came to a head the day after boxing day it was evident that something needed to change and opening up the relationship seemed like the best way forward. In the new year we put it to the test and she went up north and fucked another guy. I had no issue with it but I did take issue with the fact that he had a girlfriend.

    I have no issues with opening up relationships and living a poly lifestyle or whatever but I WILL NOT knowingly fuck someone, take on a fuck buddy or whatever else if they have a partner. If someone wants to dance with the devil in regards to their relationship then fine but I am not going to be part of their dishonesty. I’m open and honest with mine and you can be with yours. It’s all good and well preaching honesty but unless you’re encouraging the other party to do the same then you’re just perpetuating a cycle of deceit in my opinion.

  4. Every relationship is different. People receive an indoctrination since birth that sets expectations and anticipation, and each of us also has our own insecurities and needs. The fact that we can even openly discuss a variety of different forms of relationship structures and matching of partners is fairly new in most societies, and a lot of people aren’t comfortable with alternatives to the hetero-normative that has been pounded into their heads throughout their lives.

    I’d be hard pressed to even come up with a standard definition of cheating these days. Some men and woman will say their partner has “cheating eyes” whereas others don’t take notice unless their partner has “cheating sex.” The impression I get is that “cheating” isn’t an action – it’s an emotional response coming from the person who feels cheated.

    That could be their partner’s deception or it could their own insecurity. It could be their relationship belief that after dating and spending a few years together that they should have gotten a ring on their finger. And when that happened somehow the Disney effect was going to kick in, and their spouse suddenly had no desire for anything beyond their arms.

    Of course real life is quite different than stereotypes and television shows. I’ve watched friends end up in coerced polyamory – because to do otherwise was to admit their relationship was already beyond resuscitation and would require breaking up and moving on (which happened anyway, they just were gluttons for suffering). I’ve watched polyamorous friends suddenly discover that this one person really was everything for them, and slowly become very strictly monogamous and be very happy with that. And there’s everything else under the sun with Portland, OR getting a special note in my personal books for being the place where you need an eight by eight punchcard for men and women to fill out so you can get a handle on what they are really interested in and what their expectations are.

    We can’t exactly come out and say “Do as thou wilt” when it comes to relationships yet, but I think some communities are at that point. Things get trickier in relationships involving children, and there’s no small amount of dysfunction in most relationships as well.

    What we need to start adjusting to is the notion of relationship lifespan. Are you in this until the kids are 21? Are you looking for someone to spend a lifetime with *and* that enables you to be comfortable pursuing short term fun flings and slightly longer term passions? Are you in this for the excitement of the hunt, and once you’ve caught him or her you’re pretty much done?

    Perhaps “Do as thou wilt and do no harm” is the right approach. But when doing harm is simply a matter of not picking a fight with your spouse over whom you are going to spend tonight with, it’s a hard one for people to face. No one wants a major confrontation on date night. But perhaps that’s a hint that you should be either working within the confines of what your partner wants, or replacing that partner with someone more aligned with your expectations. Let the inflexible folks cling to their dreams and move on to yours, or something like that.

    The grass is always greener…
    Max recently posted..Spring 2013: Cherish Desire CatalogMy Profile

  5. I had some scathing words for the Secret Blogger on the website; I think she is misguided and naive. Any marriage is based primarily around trust and her view that her dalliances with the married man strengthens the relationship he has with his wife is wrong and simply not grounded in reality.

    Sure, the acts of sex and intimacy may satisfy a need he has, and maybe that would prevent the breakdown of the relationship right now, but if she ever finds out about his long-standing affair, the resulting issues around trust would surely destroy the relationship.

    If he has any balls or scruples, he would surely be approaching his wife for an open relationship so he can play within the bounds of the marriage. Anything else is deceit.

    As for wifey and I, I have told my wife that if she wishes to play outside the marriage, I would not consider this a problem, as long as it was done safely and I knew (not all the ins and outs, just that the new “relationship” was not a secret). After all, you buy your meat from the butchers, but his buns and baps aren’t as good as the bakers over the road so why not pop over and take advantage; does it make you any less loyal to the butcher, or you like his sausages any less, if you get your mitts on the baker’s buns? Why not shop in the best place for all your needs?! My wife has not taken me up on the offer, but it remains, and will continue to do so: I think and have always thought open relationships to work in the best interests of everyone, as long as everyone is comfortable with it.

    As for me, there have been many times when the temptation has existed: the grass is always greener on the other side. There are times when the allure of someone else is strong, but my wife trusts me almost exclusively and if I break that trust I would lose my family; I couldn’t pay that price. (And I am a shit liar so i would get found out!)

    So I don’t think what Secret Blogger does is wrong. After all, she is not married to the guys wife, and it is upto him to balance his desires with the boundaries of his relationships, but for her to claim that she is doing a greater good while she fucks his brains out is simply silly. And on that basis, I think she is very wrong.
    John D recently posted..Review: The SecretaryMy Profile

  6. I think pretty much like everyone above agree an Open/Poly relationship serves better because honesty just serves better. I have done wrong in the past and it is why now more than ever I believe being open and honest with each other in the first place is key. And the media not sensationalizing it! I shall be writing a blog on my own experiences so I won’t go too far into it. Nice write up Emma :-)

    No one man or woman is innocent, it is in human nature to explore and make mistakes in order to learn. And that is the important thing, knowing you have done wrong and learning from it which is basically what that disgusting piece on tot100 is not doing.
    Saint1ess recently posted..#SinfulSunday – Peeping TomMy Profile

  7. To me there is a difference between cheating and agreeing to have an open relationship. The word cheating Implies doing something wrong.

    I’ve been on 2 sides of the cheating triangle. My ex cheated on me, and lied about it. Nothing has hurt more than that break in trust. When I was a lot younger I had an affair with a married man. I couldn’t do it again now. I have never cheated on a partner.

    I think that any kind of open relationship needs to have a huge level of trust and communication, if it works for all parties then great but I can see lots of opportunities for one person to be taken advantage of.

  8. I agree with the comments so far – cheating is cheating when there’s dishonesty, not when there’s prior and consensual knowledge. I know S and I are too selfish of each other to ever want to share, and if he approached me about sleeping with someone else I would have real difficulty with it because I’m selfish and possessive of him. But, that wouldn’t be cheating, just changing the boundaries of our relationship.
    Anna Sky recently posted..Masturbation Month Week 2: Something NewMy Profile

  9. Hey Emma,

    Thanks so much for the mention! Our feeling on this is that in any and every relationship, no matter what the arrangement, three words are crucial: trust, honesty, and communication. As long as you trust your partner, as long as you are honest about your feelings, thoughts, and actions, and as long as you communicate freely, then you can figure it out. Personally, however, we both feel that a lot of people are hung up on a patriarchal, prejudiced, and restrictive preconception that marriage means monogamy.

    Well, done,

    HH & Lo
    H.H. recently posted..The Happy HypocriteMy Profile

  10. I’ve been other my partner for 4 years and we have been swinging for 3. We have had other women but mostly other guys. We both love it.
    In my case I’m bisexual so I play with the guys too sometimes, but mostly she goes out and pulls a guy, brings him home and takes him to the spare room for the night, I love to hear her the other side of the wall having fun. It makes sex for us intense the next day and is a real turn on. The guys always know about me before hand, only a handful feel uncomfortable with it.
    She had a long term FB last year who was monogamous with her, he knew about us and was happy with the fact he was just getting sex but was only for fun, many a guys dream? As he was a trusted long term guy they also got to play without protection and every one liked that fact.

    The proviso is she has to tell me about the guys in question, if she didn’t tell me I would class it as cheating and the relationship would suffer seriously! So it’s not the sex that is sacred but the honesty.

  11. Well,I was looking for someone to post something like this. No luck. Am just over 60, married with a grown daughter. Haven’t had sex in bout 10 years (in or out of marriage). My wife was never interested to the degree I was, kept putting me off sexually until I almost cracked. I knew if she rejected me one more time I would be unable to continue. But I hate the idea of divorce. However, just went to New Orleans and had a great time, danced with a bartender (who knew I was married). No sex. Drank a lot (not usual for me). Just had an amazing time and realized I had been dead inside. It was like I was reborn and a cover had been ripped off my heart. I want to have a life with a woman who wants to have sex with me. And I don’t think I’m married to her. If she had been any interest in sex she would have let me know long ago, I’m sure. If there are “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” there must be a thousand ways for a wife to show she wants sex without saying a word. Now that she’s older (and 300 plus pounds) and I have a daughter who might hate me for hurting her mother, I just don’t know if a new start is feasible. I should not have waited so long to think the unthinkable. But there it is. Someone else must have gone through something similar. Any constructive advice would be appreciated.

    • Hi Bill,

      I don’t want to say ‘leave your wife’ as I know it’s not that easy. Your daughter is a grown up though so you can’t let her hold you back. You’re her father and I’m sure she will want you to be happy, whether it’s with her mother or not.
      It’s great that you were able to go out and have fun.
      You are never too old to start a new chapter to your life. X

  12. Thanks. Need to consider many things carefully. Was looking in particular for a woman’s response. I can’t do anything for a few months due to a huge work commitment and can’t be distracted.

  13. But did learn to love absinthe in New Orleans, so I either acquired an addiction or a coping mechanism. I don’t normally drink very much.

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